Lived and Learned

Photo by UT

Another Father’s Day has come and gone. I’m happy to have it over with.

Despite Logan’s nonchalant attitude to the holiday as it approached, our trip to the cemetery Sunday brought up a bunch of questions, once again. He’s getting too smart, too soon. The worst: when he asked me how old Nolan was when he died. Then asked me how old I am now. The answer to both: 29. Immediately he asked me if I was going to die, too.

Then he asked me what would happen if he were to get sick with the cancer Nolan had? Would the doctors be able to make him better? Would they be able to make him better? Would he die, too?

Logan is still processing what it means to be alive and what it means to be dead. He insisted Nolan needed to come, to get sleep. He wanted to leave him money, coins buried in the earth, because he would need money, too. He asked, if we dug deep enough, and he was able to see Nolan, could he somehow make Nolan wake up? Come alive? What if he had magic powers, would that work?

Yes, this Father’s Day broke my heart all over again. And I realized Logan’s heart will break a million more times through the years, too, as he gains more understanding of death and the toll losing his Dad will have on him as he gets older.

The silver lining? I remind myself that despite all that we have lost, there are things we have gained, too. I wrote this essay for Babble.com about how losing Nolan helped me learn how to live and be a better mom.

 

  1. Kathleen,
    This is such a wonderful piece. I am widowed almost four years and have a 10 year old daughter. She was six when her father died while she was swimming with him in the ocean. I must say, I so agree with you. Bob’s death has made me a stronger woman and a better mother.
    It gave me the strength to partner with two other women and work on a not for profit called The W Connection. http://www.wconnection.org.
    Thanks for sharing you story.

    • Hi Roselyn,

      Thanks so much for reading and sharing your story. I feel as if I am just coming out of the fog and in only four years look at what you were able to do! It is so easy to feel isolated as a widow, especially a young one, and get used to a whole new life. I think the W Connection offers a great service.

      Thanks again for reading – I hope you’ll stick around and keep in touch. And all the best to you and your daughter.

      Best,
      Kathleen